


Fucking. Swoon.

by SeiryuNoHoushi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Oral Sex, Tentabulges
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 05:22:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/833231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeiryuNoHoushi/pseuds/SeiryuNoHoushi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate Title: In which Hal sets Equius up with Dirk, a ton of porn, and a plot, then proceeds to narrate and direct the whole scene while no one pays him any attention. Featuring: hot make-outs, alien tentabulge, oral sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fucking. Swoon.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written off a warm-up prompt. Team Dirk<3Equius's Friendleader decided we should get some practice in and this was #19 "Melt In Your Mouth". She told me I should post it here and I have done so.

Equius looked at Dirk, puzzled. “You want me to what?”

“I know it sounds strange. I could do the repairs myself but after your time together… Well, Hal told me that… He’d prefer you working on him.” Dirk offered the triangular shades to the already sweating troll.

He removed his own eyewear and put them on, curious. “Hal… I had thought we were quite finished with this attachment and-“

Ok. Shut up. Here’s the deal. You. Him. Perfect match. Do I need to elaborate? I mean, I _am_ him. And we were a pretty good team. Obviously you’re not exactly into getting physical with a pair of shades, though. That’s cool. So Roxy has helped me out on this little match made in robot horse heaven. Be cool about this. Wait. What am I saying? You’re already sweating. Don’t say anything about it.

“Oh… My… Yes. There is… Certainly something wrong…” Equius grabbed a nearby towel to mop at his forehead. “This might take some… Time… I shall contact you when they are ready to be returned.”

Dirk gave a wave, then departed. They were alone together again. Just Equius and the computerized version of a thirteen year old Dirk.

“Please explain what you mean. How has Roxy helped you exactly?”

I’m assuming you don’t know shit about human anatomy.

”Language, please.”

So my girl, Ro La, has been so kind as to alchemize you some reading material. You might need a stack of towels. Actually, you probably better launder every towel in your whole fucking hive.

”What could I possibly need all the towels-“

We got you human porn, Eq. You’re welcome.

Equius flushed blue, the warmth of the blood rushing to his face causing him to sweat even more. “Hal, that is… I can’t even begin to… A troll of my-”

Bro, it’s cool. We shared a body and a brain and everything, remember? We both checked Dirk out. A lot. And we both reached a point where we wanted to punch English because he was not only a total cock-block to us but to Dirk, too. The only thing holding us back was how STRONG we were and how we’d, you know, punch the buck teeth out of that asshole’s face and Dirk would never forgive us. So now that one of us can grab some action, you’re going to read up on dicks and then you’ll put the moves on Dirk. I’m commanding you to do this.

A machine with the mind of a thirteen year old… Commanding a blue blood… To preform lewd acts… Oh, the depravity. Suddenly Equius could see why he might need all of his exceptionally large supply of towels. “V-very well… Perhaps I will humor you and sample this… Pornographic material…” He reached up to remove Hal from his face.

What are you doing?

”It’s not necessary for you to observe.”

I need to check how compatible the two of you are. What the hell is this “bone-bulge” thing you guys are always talking about anyways? What’s a “nook”? Take me with you.

”Absolutely not.” He set Hal down on the counter, no longer able to read what the machine was saying. “You were not previously given access to my… Lower torso… And you will not have access now.” Hal flashed angrily at him, but he ignored it.

\---

How exactly had Roxy gotten into his hive? No. Nevermind. He didn’t want to know. The sticky note on the top of the stack left him sweating even more profusely.

heeeey big guy one void player to another <3 enjoy lol

His heart was racing just looking at the covers. Was he really going to look through them?

Once he’d dared to flip them open, he couldn’t stop. He swiped at his face with a towel absentmindedly. He didn’t want to admit it, but Hal was right. He’d had absolutely no idea about human anatomy. “Oh my… This is…”

\---

His knees felt weak when he finally returned to Hal. Humans really looked like that? They did those things? He put the glasses on. “H-how am I to go about this seduction?”

You were supposed to let me see what I have to work with first. Shit. I Googled it while you were having all the fun. If you have to do more than drop your pants, then some weird shit happened to Dirk after he made me. _I’m_ turned on and I don’t even have a dick.

”Though I find it quite disturbing that you are getting pleasure from this escapade… Thank you.”

No, I’m serious. Call him and tell him I’m fixed, put the moves on him. If he’s not into it without you dropping trou, he will be when he sees that you’re a fucking tentacle monster. That shit is SO sugoi.

”While I’m not sure what you’re referring to… I shall assume that it was excessively lewd.”

Alright, seriously man. This is the plan…

\---

“You’re certain that my aggressive position in this scenario will be safe?”

Let me run the numbers. Yeah. I’m 97.28% positive that this shit is off the hook. You’re good. Now just put me right up there.

”Is it necessary that you be involved in this?”

Uh, Bro. He’s coming to pick me up. It’d be kinda weird if I wasn’t in the room even.

_Fiddlesticks._ He has a point. This means that _Hal_ is going to be watching and that just seems terribly awkward. There goes towel number 1. Luckily, an entire pile of fresh towels has been innocuously placed in the lab. What? Pile of towels? There’s always a pile of towels around there, isn’t there? He sets Hal on the shelf, the fact that this gives the computerized shades a perfect view of the room doesn’t go unnoticed.

He fidgets with his own glasses for a minute, then tries to look busy working on another one of his combat bots. Tinkering will have to occupy him until Dirk arrives. He breaks a screwdriver, muttering under his breath. “Sweet honey iced tea…” Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. If he’s going to be breaking tools and running rivers of sweat just thinking about what he’s about to do, maybe he shouldn’t be propositioning Dirk.

Too late now. That’s Dirk knocking. “Come in.” He swipes back a lock of hair that has fallen into his face, nerves causing him to break the second screwdriver. Dear gog. How is he ever going to manage this? Strength may be in his nature, but he’s battled down aggression all his life. Can he really do this? Yes. He has to. He’s a blue blood. It’s his place to make advancements on lower classes that he desires. This is what he tells himself over and over again. He knows it isn’t true in his heart, but he also knows that pretending it is might give him the courage he needs.

He stands and removes his glasses so that he is staring Dirk Strider straight in the face with his deep blue eyes. Yes. This is exactly as Hal planned.

Dirk cocks his head. “So… Hal…?”

“Is perfectly functional. It has been brought to my attention, however, that you may benefit from my… Ah… Skills.”

“ _Hal_.” Dirk glares at the shades. “I told you about forcing me on to-“ His words were cut off by Equius mustering all his courage, closing the distance between them, and sweeping Dirk into a kiss.

Fucking. Swoon.

”Oh…” They broke for air for just a second, Dirk still recovering from shock. 

That’s right, Dirk. You are being swept off your fucking feet by a man with the mane and rippling muscles of a _horse_. You’re welcome.

It hardly took any effort for Equius to lift him, carry him to the lab table, hold him with one arm and swipe the table clean with the other. Oh shit. This was happening. Next thing you know the dashing hero is going to rip his shirt open and ravish the suddenly lust-filled object of his desires. You are the main character of a Bodice Ripper. It is you.

Instead of the show of raw strength that Dirk was expecting, Equius began fumbling with the belt around the human’s waist. Well, that wasn’t the ‘Take me now!’ scenario he was expecting, but he could still work with this. With the ease of practice, Dirk unfastened it himself. Too many layers of clothing. Way to many layers of clothing. Equius let him take control without a second thought and suddenly they were both on the table. Woah. Going too fast. Slow down. Not a race. 

He keeps telling himself that, but then he puts his hands somewhere else on Equius and he just can’t help himself. They’re kissing again and it’s really hot. Is this going to progress beyond making out and groping? He’s not sure right now. He doesn’t want to press this because the last time he did that… Well, talking to Jake is still awkward.

Hell yes. Now the director calls for attention to alien tentacle boner.

There’s a moment of embarrassment when Dirk looks down because he feels something squirming against him. “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

“I-I apologize. I didn’t realize that you hadn’t studied troll anatomy and Hal led me to believe-“

“You love horses. And robots. And you have a _tentacle dick_? Did I die a heroic death and go to heaven?”

And the award for Director of the Year goes to Lil’ Hal. Thank you, thank you. I’d like to thank all the little people that made this shit possible. Like the writer- me. And the cameraman – me. And the cinematographer… Oh shit. That’s me, too.

_Shit_ Equius happens to be wearing even MORE layers than Dirk and that is incredibly frustrating. He tries not to rip anything in his haste and he thinks he’s ok with the shorts… But the leggings might not have fared so well. By the time he’s managed to get Equius into nothing but that Sagittarius branded tank top, the troll is so blue from embarrassment that it’s hard to tell that he’s actually grey. 

Screw this not being a race. This just became the fucking _Amazing Race_ the minute Equius’s bone-bulge crawled out of its sheath. Dirk pauses just long enough to smirk at the fact that Jake is apeshit for blue aliens and yet it is he that has landed one. “Let’s take this thing for a test drive.”

Equius opens his mouth to protest, to tell Dirk that he had intended to be the one doing the servicing. The minute he feels Dirk’s lips, however, any words that he had meant to say escape his mind in favor of a moan. 

_Daaaamn_. Who the hell was the casting director that picked these two? Cause that’s the shit. Oh wait. Me.

Dirk nearly chokes at first. There’s just something about having writhing tentacle at the back of your throat that does that to a guy. Still, this is the blissed-out hentai heaven of his dreams and he’s going to do this. There are _robots_ at his feet, muscle-bound nude _horse-men_ on the walls, and a fucking _tentacle_ down his throat.

He’s working his way up and down the writhing blue tentacle when he feels a powerful hand on the back of his head. _Yeah?_

Blue blood is welling down Equius’s lip. He’s bitten it trying to keep his voice down, embarrassed. That’s just too cute. Honestly, making big, strong men whimper like kittens might be a new fetish for Dirk. He’s certainly liking it right now.

He wants to make Equius cry out, though. He wants to make sure his lover is enjoying himself emotionally as well as physically. Licking his way down, he finally notices the other significant difference between trolls and humans. _Oh._ Well, that’s kind of… New territory. Nothing a Strider can’t handle though. 

Dirk explores his new discovery slowly, letting his fingers tease before finally slipping inside. He’s rewarded with not just a moan, but tempered pressure on the back of his head. _So that’s a nook…_ He’s ok with that. 

Equius fights his body’s urges. Pressing or bucking too hard could have devastating results. But the _fingers_ … And oh Gog… His _tongue_.

His back arches just a little bit, his hands both clamping down on the table, and he lets out a real cry this time, not some muffled moan. The metal bends under his hands almost as easily as putty and his body feels like it’s melting in afterglow.

Dirk swallows what he can, but he’s a mess of blue. They don’t even bother to try going anywhere just yet, choosing to simply roll of the table into the pile of towels. “Now that… Was sugoi.”

“The two of you keep using that word… But I still have no idea what it means…” Equius wrapped an arm around Dirk, exhausted.

lol so do dirk and eq know u were recording and broadcasting

Fuck no. It’s not hidden cam sex if the actors know about it.

lol u r in so much trouble

Shit was totally worth it.


End file.
